Jewish Nazi and Blatino Daddy Have Bad Sex On Halloween

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NEW YORK CITY, U.S.A. — I was 19 and had been living in New York for a little over a year. It was technically my second Halloween in the city but since the first Halloween had been right after 9/11, this might as well have been my first Halloween. I was too self conscious to really dress up too crazy; I needed a costume but I still really wanted to look cute and fuckable. I ended up settling on wearing some sort of military jacket and a yarmulke that I had lying around from some bar mitzvah I had attended years ago. I added some swastikas to the jacket and said I was a Jewish Nazi. I’m still not sure why anything about this outfit made sense to me at the time. I mean, I’m not even Jewish. Probably I felt comfortable with the look because it made me look cute in a generic enough way that I could imagine a wide range of men finding me attractive and unthreatening. Also, there’s something pathetic enough about the costume that it was just maybe adorable.

I was living with two girls at the time. Biological girls, not gay men I call ‘girls.’ We were all crammed into this tiny 1 bedroom. We had a futon in the eat in kitchen, which also served as our living rooms. The two girls shared a larger room on one end of the apartment and I was crammed in a room the size of a closet. At the time it seemed great since I actually had my own room, but the reality is that it was a bit of a dump.

My roommate Erin wanted to go out with me. One of our major haunts was this bar on 13th street and B called Mona’s where we would go drink cheap Guinness. I had gone with her to Mona’s and we were pounding back pints when I decided that it was time to do something gay. I had a couple friends that wanted to go to Starlight.

This is where I stop remembering everything. I got wasted. I just know we went to Starlight and I picked up an older man. He was what some call ‘blatino’ if I remember right. He had some foreign sounding Spanish name like Cesár or Guillermo or Tomás. He was cute (I did get a good look at him the next day when I was more sober), but much older than me. I found out later he was 38.We were making out at the bar and I invited him over. I’m not sure why on earth a 38 year old would ever go back to a19 year old’s place unless said 38 year old was homeless or lived in Maspeth and didn’t have cab money. Most likely the truth is that I never told him how old I was and he assumed I was just a normal young adult in a decent apt, not some 19 year old college student living in filth in a small apartment with multiple room mates.

Anyways on to the sex. It was kind of awful. We got back to my place. We got naked and were making out. I remember that he was being a little too rough with me. He also had a huge dick – a good ten inches. He was really into trying to choke me with it. He kept insisting that I should bottom for him and I really didn’t want to that night. Plus, butt sex after that many drinks is normally just messy and I knew better than to attempt that. That didn’t stop him from trying to shove it back there anyways. Every time I told him to stop, he’d just say something about being a top. Real talk – for those that identify as exclusive tops, just don’t do this machismo bullshit. It’s not cool. If you’re not willing to take it, don’t tell guys how much they’ll like it once your dick is in them. For as rape-y as this whole experience sounds, I still had my fun with it. Once I realized he needed to feel like ‘the man’ in bed, I started trying to put my thumb or a finger up his butt every chance I could. He would freak out and stop me every time and that kept me in control of the situation until he just agreed for us to jack off together.

The next morning we wake up. I’m pretty sure my one night stand very quickly realized what a weird situation he was in, since I had dirty laundry all over the floor and lived in such a tiny place. My roommate Erin had been sexiled and was sleeping on the futon in the kitchen/living room with her boyfriend. The futon was right in front of the door to the bathroom. Not realizing that two people were asleep, my blatino lover walked across the room, stepping over the futon and into the bathroom totally stark naked. Around this time my roommate and her boyfriend wake up and begin singing a little ditty composed on the spot which went, ‘there’s a naked maaaaan in my house, there’s a naked maaan in my house.’ (I’m not sure if that makes sense in print, so I’ve attached an mp3 of me singing the song).

Download: nakedman

After emerging from the bathroom, my 38 year old daddy for the night jetted. Quickly. I honestly bet the whole experience was pretty horrible for him. But maybe not. Maybe he’s just really into 19 year old dirtballs. ‘There’s a Naked Man in My House’ definitely became a classic for the next couple years while I lived with those girls, a way for them to poke fun at me whenever I acted indiscriminately slutty. Part of me hopes that the whole experience made for a great hook-up-gone weird story Cesár or Tomás or Guillermo or whatever his name was told his friends, a warning against hooking up with men half your age.

Published on 29 October 2009